Man, life has been insanely busy! Tennis season ended so I’ve had more time to focus on college applications. The UC apps are due in a few days and I’m going to stay positive!

Is there anyone else in the midst of applying to college? It’s a hard time and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to wait to hear acceptance decisions!

Hope everyone is doing well! There’s a post I saw on tumblr the other day from user jellyworld that I think is really important so I’d like to share: “Please let yourself be proud of small things. Please do that. Please allow yourself to get really excited about playing a video game well or sending an ask you were nervous about or letting a bug outside or peeling the whole orange in one try. Please get so excited about that. Please. That’s so cool I’m so glad you did it.”

🙂 Keep on keeping on!

A woman’s commentary on eating…

“Girls and women of the world, could we stop apologizing for wanting and eating food? Because this is one of the most ridiculous things that we do collectively as lady-people, and not only does it annoy the shit out of me personally, but it is also INCREDIBLY SAD. Could we stop feeling “guilty” for wanting an effing brownie? Or a plate of fries? Could we stop actively seeking permission from our friends to go ahead and “be bad” and order the cheesecake? Could we all just go ahead and order whatever it is that we feel like eating, instead of saying, “Oh, I feel like a pig, you guys are just getting salads”?
Because—now I know this will come as a shock—WOMEN EAT. We get hungry. We get hungry for pizzas and Double Stuff Oreos and nachos and ice cream and giant French-toast breakfasts, and you know what? WE DON’T NEED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT.

Here I am making a vast and sweeping gender stereotype, but do you ever, ever hear dudes say “I just want a little bite” or “This is so bad, you guys, but I totally ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s last night”? No! Because it’s OK for men to eat! Men get hongray! Men need frozen dinners called “Hungry-Man”! Men need Manwich! Boys are allowed to grow into men, but “attractive” women in our culture are expected to stay at pretty much an eternal pre-adolescent weight. What’s society’s current ideal man look like? Fit. Big muscles. What’s society’s current ideal woman look like? Thin. Really thin. No hips. No belly. Hairless except for the head. Basically a 10-year-old girl with boobs added for sex appeal.

You see it everywhere—every café, every restaurant, every kitchen across the country. Women bargaining with waiters and friends about whether or not they should get a side salad or fries with their entrée. Women making demeaning jokes to one another about their desire for food, like “Once on the lips, forever on the hips” and “Well, it’s midnight, so technically your body doesn’t know whether it’s today or tomorrow, so the calories zero themselves out, hahaha” and women bonding with one another over their shared guilt! You’re being bad and getting the chocolate cake? Ooh, now that you’re doing it, let’s both be really bad, and I’ll order the key lime pie and we won’t tell a soul, will we? It’s just us girls!

Why are we apologizing for wanting food? What the hell? BODIES NEED FOOD. WE DIE WITHOUT IT. Food tastes good! And we’re programmed to crave it! Sure, some food is healthier than other food, but what is up with punishing ourselves for wanting pickle chips? Why is it acceptable—nay! encouraged!—in our culture for women to feel guilty and publicly “admit” our guilt for wanting to eat a cookie? Why are we rationalizing our “bad behavior”—you know, our EATING—with statements like “I’ve been really good lately” or “I’m gonna need to walk this off later”?

It makes me insane.

I want this to end.

I want women to allow themselves to want food. I want women to be hungry and ask for what they want to eat without apologizing. I want women to stop looking for permission from others before they eat something that is not a carrot or spinach. I want my friends to get the chili fries if they want the chili fries, and not say something like, “It all goes straight to my ____” (hips, thighs, butt, etc.). I want to see a girl sink her teeth into a huge cheeseburger and fries and not cut the burger in half to save some for later. I want my mother to allow herself more than one small square of dark chocolate per day. I want women to take pleasure in food, without punishing ourselves for wanting it.

Hear me, womenfolk: I want all of us, everywhere, to stop apologizing, stop rationalizing our behavior, and just eat the damn brownie already.” — Krista Burton for Rookie Mag

From “Eating: A Manifesto”. This is my favorite article to date. She really brings up some good points in a very powerful way. I think everyone should read it!

Once I realized disordered eating was such a feminist issue everything really clicked for me.  I guess I’d always known it was but never really focused on it.  They really are intertwined, which makes it important to look at both during recovery.  I’d really like to examine that idea more in a later post, when I have more time to devote to writing.

To become strong women in our lives we must demand respect, as it usually isn’t just handed to us.  I could easily go into great detail about the importance of feminism here, but I’ll just say this: fueling our eating disorders just shows the rest of the world that we reserve little respect for ourselves. Thus, they feel that they are allowed to treat us with just that same small amount of consideration, if any.  Recovery is a way to show them, and ourselves, just how tough and deserving of respect we really are.

Let’s show them all. We are strong.

The first week was great (and super exhausting)! I love all my classes but they’re going to be a lot of work. I can already tell that taking two math classes this year was the right decision. Varsity tennis is on the table too!

I’m planning on starting an anorexia support group. It’s probably going to be hard to add extra work on top of everything else but I think it’s a really important thing to do. My therapist from last year told me that a lot of people from my high school were struggling with EDs so I could put up some flyers there and around town. Hopefully I can really help some people!

Is anybody having trouble staying focused on recovery with the whirlwind of school starting? Remember that putting your health first is the most important thing. Maybe talk to your teachers and let them know what’s going on so they’re aware.

Bye for now, lovelies!

Just a quick post before I go to bed. My senior year of high school starts tomorrow! I’m going to have to be really good about eating more because I’ll be playing team tennis every weekday (hopefully on varsity; fingers crossed! Tryouts are tomorrow!) and I need to have enough nutrition to be able to focus in my classes. I’m going to stay positive and think about how important it is that I recover by the time I go to college next year! Stay strong everybody ❤

Normal Eating

Great description. I think the part that is hardest for me to remember is that when someone eats normally, they are “flexible” with their eating choices. This is good to keep in mind! How would you define “normal eating”?

Life of Golden Tears

According to Nutritional expert Ellyn Satter,

Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is…

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Hello blogosphere!

My name is Kim and I am starting this blog to try to help anyone who has been struggling with an eating disorder or negative self-image of any kind. The internet is so great in that it provides a way for people all over the world to connect and find others who share their struggles, as well as their passions. I hope to show you that you are not alone and that there are many out there who have had the experience that enables them to understand your feelings and actions. If I can help just one person on their way to recovery, this blog will have been worth it.

I’ll start by sharing my own story with you. My disordered eating started a little over a year ago when I decided to change my habits. I started working out (normally at first; then, excessively) and I downloaded a calorie counting app onto my phone, always entering in more than I was actually eating when I added in each food. I began netting less than 1000 calories almost every day. When I started my “new lifestyle” I was going to let myself have dessert once a week. It quickly got to a point where I refused even one bite of anything that could be considered “unhealthy” or even healthy foods that were too “fattening”. Snacks that were over 100 calories  or meals over 200 terrified me. I started felt guilty after eating vegetables, like they would somehow make me gain all the weight back overnight. Within a couple of months (give or take) I had lost 35 pounds. I was so sure that once I slimmed down I would magically make a bunch of new friends and be the happiest I’d ever been. But guess what? That was not the case. Instead, I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Depression and spent the year focusing all of my remaining energy on my classes and doctors’ visits. I would skip choir get-togethers that involved food. I would spent all the free time we were given at school getting homework done. I would convince myself that people were watching me eat lunch and thinking that I was having way too much. I shrunk in on myself and felt like I wanted to just lay down on the pavement and never get up again.

I went through hell twice getting blood drawn. The first time, the doctor had finished and I’d started walking out when all of a sudden I woke up on the floor in the hallway with a bunch of strangers looming over me. It was the most terrifying moment of my life; I didn’t know who or where I was or what was happening. After throwing up twice and being completely unable to move they decided it would be best to send me to the hospital, where I was told my heart rate was alarmingly low and I was forced to stay for about 4 or 5 hours. While the second time I was more cautious, resting before getting up after the procedure and making sure people were watching me, the instant I stood up I passed out yet again. Both times I was a wreck for the remainder of the day, both physically and mentally.

I finally realized that something needed to change. I am currently in recovery. I have not had my period since August of last year but I am mostly weight restored. I don’t know if others have faced this feeling too, but I feel like I lost so much of who I was by dedicating so much of my time to my ED. It is hard to feel like I’ll ever get better mentally but I need to beat this because I want to stop dealing and start living. I am already so much happier than I was and I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

That’s enough about me, I want to hear your story. Please feel free to message me or comment on this post to share your own experiences or even just to ask for someone to talk to. I believe it will be so much easier to get better if we battle it together.

xoxo Kim