My name is Kim and I am starting this blog to try to help anyone who has been struggling with an eating disorder or negative self-image of any kind. The internet is so great in that it provides a way for people all over the world to connect and find others who share their struggles, as well as their passions. I hope to show you that you are not alone and that there are many out there who have had the experience that enables them to understand your feelings and actions. If I can help just one person on their way to recovery, this blog will have been worth it.
I’ll start by sharing my own story with you. My disordered eating started a little over a year ago when I decided to change my habits. I started working out (normally at first; then, excessively) and I downloaded a calorie counting app onto my phone, always entering in more than I was actually eating when I added in each food. I began netting less than 1000 calories almost every day. When I started my “new lifestyle” I was going to let myself have dessert once a week. It quickly got to a point where I refused even one bite of anything that could be considered “unhealthy” or even healthy foods that were too “fattening”. Snacks that were over 100 calories or meals over 200 terrified me. I started felt guilty after eating vegetables, like they would somehow make me gain all the weight back overnight. Within a couple of months (give or take) I had lost 35 pounds. I was so sure that once I slimmed down I would magically make a bunch of new friends and be the happiest I’d ever been. But guess what? That was not the case. Instead, I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Depression and spent the year focusing all of my remaining energy on my classes and doctors’ visits. I would skip choir get-togethers that involved food. I would spent all the free time we were given at school getting homework done. I would convince myself that people were watching me eat lunch and thinking that I was having way too much. I shrunk in on myself and felt like I wanted to just lay down on the pavement and never get up again.
I went through hell twice getting blood drawn. The first time, the doctor had finished and I’d started walking out when all of a sudden I woke up on the floor in the hallway with a bunch of strangers looming over me. It was the most terrifying moment of my life; I didn’t know who or where I was or what was happening. After throwing up twice and being completely unable to move they decided it would be best to send me to the hospital, where I was told my heart rate was alarmingly low and I was forced to stay for about 4 or 5 hours. While the second time I was more cautious, resting before getting up after the procedure and making sure people were watching me, the instant I stood up I passed out yet again. Both times I was a wreck for the remainder of the day, both physically and mentally.
I finally realized that something needed to change. I am currently in recovery. I have not had my period since August of last year but I am mostly weight restored. I don’t know if others have faced this feeling too, but I feel like I lost so much of who I was by dedicating so much of my time to my ED. It is hard to feel like I’ll ever get better mentally but I need to beat this because I want to stop dealing and start living. I am already so much happier than I was and I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
That’s enough about me, I want to hear your story. Please feel free to message me or comment on this post to share your own experiences or even just to ask for someone to talk to. I believe it will be so much easier to get better if we battle it together.